PS 3503 
.R53 
T55 
1921 
Copy 1 



X 



HIS WAY OUT 



-BY- 



GLADYS RUTH BRIDGHAM 




PRICE 25 CENTS 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

Franklin. Ohio "j-^'. Denver, Colo. 

944 So. LoK«n Street 



Money-Making Entertainment Novelties 
for Church, School or Lodge 



Miss Nibbs' Novelty Shop 

• By Alta Becker. This is a novel and humorous en- 
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travelinr salesmen, shoppers, mechanical dolls and 
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a short, clean, humorous number is desired. Plays 
about 30 minutes. Price, 25c. 

The Brightville Indoor Chanitaoqoa 

By Bessie Baker and Nellie Hanna> Here is a brand 
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Gives wide scope for introduction of large cast and 
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Part 4, Farmer c' Night; Part 5, Coonville Jubilee 
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Sorepaw & Fells Indoor CircMs 

By Margaret S. Bridre and Margaret H. Hahn. The 
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the show starts, ladies and gentlemen. Keep to the 
right — don't crowd. Price, 25c. 

As Ye Sew 

A "talking doll" missionary play hy Dorothy Crich- 
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Finding the Key 



A dialog and drill for 10 or 12 girls and boys. Suit-, 
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Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO also DENVER, COLO. 

944 S. Logan St. 



1 



^ THIS WAY OUT 



GLADYS RUTH BRIDGHAM ' 

Author of "Polly Lou," '*Brown Eyed Betty," Etc. 



Copyright 1921. Eldrldge Entertainment House 



Ofi 19 1921 ^ 



FUBUSHED BT 

ELDRIDGE ENTERTAINMENT HOUSE 

niANKUN,OHIO DKMVn, COIO. 



€' 






CAST 

PROFESSOR NICHOLAS ■ SPERING 
DR. PHILIP MERTON 

JACK, his son 

TOM "j 

DICK I jack's Chums 

HARRY ) 

ALICE j 

LUCY I their friends 

KITTY ' ) . 

MRS. O'MALLEY 
BETTY, her daughter 



'CLD 594'^•5 



This Way Out 



Scene,. — Prof. Spering*s room in Mrs. O'Malley's 
lodging house. 

Door to hall left — alcove lef^ back (on stage ivhere 
this is impossible, place couch left back). Window right 
back — table near this tuindoio with the professor's inve^n- 
tion. A simple apparatus of some kind is all that is nec- 
€^ry ivith some little attachment which will give a buz- 
zing sound. Fireplace right and door to closet right 
front. Arm chair center right and tables down left; 
chairs left and right of table. 

Characters — Dr. Merton and Professor Spering 
forty-five to fifty years old. Jack, twenty, and Tom, Dick 
and Harry, nineteen and tiventy. Mrs. O'Malley, forty, 
Betty, eighteen, and Kitty, Lucy and Alice about the 
same age. 

ACT I. 

(The professor is ivalking around the room search- 
ing for something and murmuring to himself.) 

Prof. — Dear me — dear me — dear me! (There is a 
knock at the door.) Dear me — dear me — (knock is re- 
peated.) Dear me^ — dear me — (knock is repeated.) 

Mrs. O'Malley — (outside) Professor Spering, are 
yez in? 

Prof. — (twms to the door) Oh, yes — oh, dear me — 
yes. Come in. (Enter Mrs. 0*M,) My dear madam, did 
you knock? 

Mrs. 0. — Did I knock? I should say I did. 

Prof. — You see, I have misplaced a symplesometer. 
Do you see it anywhere? 

Mrs. O. — Well, niver havin' made the acquaintance 
of— 

3 



This Wai) Out 



Prof. ■■ — (suddenly) Ah! Here it is. (Picks it up.) 
Fortunate! Most fortunate! If you had stepped on it! 

Mrs, 0. — It would have finished. Thot's sure. 

(The professor goes to the invention.) 

Mrs, 0. — Don't monkey around thot thing whin I*m. 
in here. I get thct nervous. I know it's go in' to explode 
some day and loike as not blow the roof off the house. 

Prof. — My dear m^dam, how often must I tell you. 
there is nothing here to explode? 

Mrs. 0. — Yes, I know; but I'm from Missoury. 

Prof. — Missouri? I was quite certain you told me 
Boston. 

Mrs. 0. — Thot's roight — by way of Missoury. 

Prof. — Now, I should say, Mrs. O'Malley, that was 
round about — quite round about. Much better to go di- 
rectly to the point. 

Mrs. Go — I agrees wid yez. No bating around the 
bush fer mine. So I'll be afther axing if yez knows what 
day o' the week this is? 

Prof. — Why, to be sure — it's — (suddenly) Saturday.. 

Mrs. Q. — Eoight yez air, and Saturday is — 

Prof. — Saturday, my dear Mrs. O'Malley, is er — er 
— Saturday ! 

Mrs, 0. — Guess again, Professor, guess again. 

Prof.— Guess — and why — 

Mrs. 0. — (encouragingly) Saturday is — 

Prof. — (suddenly) Rent day! 

Mrs. 0. — Thot's right. Hold on to that, now while 
youVe got it. Don't let go of the idea. 

Prof. — Dear me! dear me! I had no idea Saturday 
could get here again so quickly. And I really fear I 
haven't your money this morning. Dear, dear! I have- 
n't done any regular work yet. You see this all-absorb- 
ing invention — 

Mrs. 0, — (interrupting) Professor, will yez be af- 
ther lookin* to see if yez got it? 



This Way Out 



Prof. — Certainly — certainly — but I greatly fear — 
(looks in his pockets, then in drawer of table up R.) I 
noticed only last evening my exchequer was getting pain- 
fully low. As I feared — as I feared — (shakes his head.) 

Mrs. 0—(patienthj) Try the other wan. 

Prof. — Certainly — certainly — but — (comes to table 
center; opens drawer) Well! well! dear me! (takes out 
some money) Did you ever? My dear madam, here. 
(Hands her the money.) Now, that's curious. Very 
curious. I don't in the least recall — 

Mrs. 0. — Don't be afther tryin'. The strain moight 
be too much for yez. Have yez had any breakfast? 

Prof. — Breakfast? Er — let me see — no, I haven't. 

Mrs. 0. — Well, go and git some. Yez can't work on 
an empty stomach. 

Prof. — I'm not working on an empty stomach, I'm 
working on an invention to — 

Mrs. 0. — For the love o' Moike, Professor, get some 
breakfast. 

Prof. — Yes, yes, no doubt it would be a wise idea. 
(Puts on his hat.) 

Mrs. 0. — Take it from me, it would. It's a pity yez 
don't be afther gittin' some of thim ideas fer yersilf. 
What is it yez are lookin' fer? 

Prof.— My hat. 

Mrs. 0. — On yer hid. (Goes to door L.) And here's 
the door — (opens the door) And the way out. 

Prof. — Yes, to be sure — to be sure — thank you very- 
much. (Exit.) 

Mrs. 0. — (looking after him) Can yez bate thot 
now? (Turns away and looks slowly around room.) 

Betty — (outside) Mother! 

Mrs. 0.— Yis?. 

Betty — Where are you? 

Mrs. 0. — (goes to door) Up here. Come up if yez 
loikes. (Slight pause — Betty runs in L.) 



This Way Out 



Betty — Where's the professor? 

Mrs. 0. — Gone after his breakfast, but he'll nivir 
remember what it is he's gone after. I hope he don't go 
near the park. There'll be a riot amongst the squirrels. 

Betty — Poor old dear! 

Mrs. 0. — Shure he ain't so terrible poor. Always 
has his rint and says he ain't. 

Betty — But, mother, he really thinks he hasn't any 
money. He's really worried at times, 

Mrs. 0. — (devoutly) Glory be to God, so am I. He'll 
be afther blowin' us all to smithereens some day. (Looks 
fearfully at the invention.) 

Betty — (thoughtfully) I don't understand it. 

Mrs. 0. — Shure an' yez will whin it happens. 

(Ente>r Jack Merton, L.) 

Jack — Hello, the house! 

Mrs. 0. — And how did yez get in? 

Jack — (delighted to see Betty, ivho smiles at him he- 
hind her mother's hack) Walked, of course. ..Nothing 
to hinder. Door wide open. 

Mrs. 0. — The professor! Betty, go down and close 
the door. 

Jack — (quickly) Oh, I closed it. 

Mrs. 0. — Then go and take the brid out of the oven. 

Betty — (deynurely) I took it out. 

Mrs. 0. — (exasperated) Well, go down and be doin' 
somethin' anyway. 

Betty — (sweeily) Yes, mother. (Exit L.) 

Jack — Oh, Mrs. O'Malley, have a heart! 

Mrs. 0. — She has somethin' more to do than stand 
around talkin' to the loikes of yez. 

Jack — Oh, come, now. What have j^ou got against 
me? 

Mrs. 0. — Nothing special, but ye're too loight heaf • 
ed all together. 



This Way Out 



Jack— Light headed? Well, I like that! If you 
could see the scientific course I am pursuing at the uni- 
versity — 

Mrs. 0. — Don't talk to me about the university. 
Look at the poor ould professor. No hid at all — at all — 

Jack — (goef to the invention) I should say he had 
some head to invent a machine like this. 

Mrs. 0. — Come away from it! (Jack touches spring 
which causes a buzzing.) 

Mrs. 0. — fat the top of her voice) Sthop, I tell yez. 

Jack — Stand in front of it. I want to see if I can 
draw your heart out. 

Mrs. 0. — Is it crazy yez are, as well as the profes- 
sor? 

Jack — That's what the little buzzer is for. 

Mrs. 0.— For what? 

Jack — When the ray is completed/ it's going to draw 
out your hidden self. 

Mrs. 0. — (astonished) My hidden self? 

Jack — That's what. The professor says we all have 
another self in here (places his ha7id on his heart) some- 
where — a self that the world never sees, and it is our 
real self. 

Mrs. 0. — The Saints presarve us. 

Jack — The Saints preserve us when our real selves 
stand revealed. Mrs. O'Malley, I think you'll be shown 
up with a heart as big as a whals. 

Mrs. 0. — (pleased) Gwan wid yez! 

Jack — (giving her a shove) I bet inside you're the 
sentimental old girl. 

Mrs. 0. — Sthop yez nonsense. Jack Merton. You 
oughter be ashamed of yersilf. There's the bell. Are 
yez goin' to wait fer the professor? 

Jack — Yes, if you don't mind. 

'(Mrs. 0. goes out L. Slight pause. Betty looks in. 
at the window.) 



8 This Way Out 



Betty-r^sick ! 

Jack — (hurrying to window) Betty, you darling! 
(helps her to climb in,) 

Betty — Sh! Hush! Mother thinks I have gone to 
the store. 

Jack — Betty, you could never guess in a thousand 
years what's happened! 

Betty — Something good; I know hy your eyes. Tell 
me quick! 

Jack — Gee! I don't know where to begin. Wel-1-1 — 
I saw an ad in the paper where that local picture concern 
offered a prize for a Movie story — and I wrote one, Bet- 
ty, about the professor and the invention — and, Betty — 
(stvallows in his excitement) it took the prize! 

Betty — Jack! 

Jack — And that isn't all. They're going to send the 
head of the company down here this afternoon to see the 
professor and they want me to be here. They want me 
to be in the picture — and — Betty, I told them about you, 
dear, and they said maybe they could put you in. 

Betty — Jack, have you gone crazj^'i 

Jack — No, but I think I'm on the way. Betty, it's 
the chance of our lives. (Hugs her.) We can get mar- 
ried. We'll have oodles of money and- — 

Betty — Why, Jack, I can't act in the pictures — 

Jack — (inteoTupting ) Nonsense! Of course you 
can. You'll be a regular little star. Fll be the mess. 
Uncle Nick will have to turn his buzzer on me. (Turns 
to the invention.) Try it, Betty, and see if you can dis- 
cover any talent being drawn out. 

Betty — Jack, you are talking perfectly wild. Your 
father — my mother — 

Jack — Oh, we're not going to consult them. Why 
should we, if we find we can earn our own living? 

B^tty — But our education. We mustn't interfere. 



This Way Out 



Jack — We are not going to. We will finish ou^ edu- 
cation. Plenty of time— plenty of money and independ- 
ence staring us in the face. Doesn't it listen good? 

Betty— (with a sigh) Ye-es, you make everything 
sound all right, but just the same, it's wild. 

Jack — Well, you'll be here when the great Mogul ar- 
rives. Thank the Lord it's Saturday. Everything has 
happened just right. 

Betty— Who is the great Mogul? 

Jack — I don't know what his name is. I don't be- 
lieve the manager mentioned it. You'll be game, Betty. 
You won't give anything away? 

Betty — (indignantly) You know that I won't. 

Jack — Of course I do. Forgive me, dear. I didn't 
realize what I was saying. You're the most true blue 
little girl that ever breathed. 

Dr. Merton— (outside) All right, Mrs. O'Malley, I'll 
wait. 

Jack — Ye gods! It's dad! Come on, quick! (ptdls 
Betty toward the tvindow) Here, let me go first and I'll 
help you. (He climbs out window and tries to help her 
ovt; her dress catches and she sits on sill halfiuay in.) 

Betty — Wait! Wait, Jack! My dress! It's caught! 

(Enter Dr. Merton, L.) 

Dr. Merton, — (astonished) Well, Miss Betty! 

Betty — (demurely) How do you do, sir? 

Dr. M. — My health is most excellent, thank you. And 
yours ? 

Betty — Never better. 

Dr. M. — And may I inquire if you are on your way 
in or out? 

Betty— (laughing) Out, kind sir. You see I start- 
ed to go on an errand for mother and I came back for 
something I left in this room. Mother is in rather of a 
hurry and I thought she might object to my return trip. 

Dr, M, — ^I see. 



10 This Way Out 



Betty — And I was just sitting here for a minute, 
looking at the invention. 

Dr, M. — And do you believe in the professor's the- 
ory? 

Betty — I think I do, in a way. We may have a hid- 
den self — a something in us that we don't show to every- 
one, but I don't believe an electric ray will draw it out. 

Dr. M. — (smiling) Good night, professor. 

Betty — (thoughtfully, not noticing his remark) I 
think love might do it. 

Dr. M. — (explosively) What? 

Betty — Oh, Dr. Merton, I — I — was just thinking out 
loud. 

Dr. M. — And is that the kind of thoughts you have? 
I wonder what we would find if you were drawn out. 

Betty — (laughing) Something good if the right 
thought did it. (Starts to climb 02it window.) 

Dr. M. — Wait! Do you know 7/.ou're an interesting 
little piece of humanity, Betty? I like you more and 
more. 

Betty — (thoughtfully) Yes, you would have to. 

Dr. M. — And just what do you mean by that, young 
lady? 

Betty — Well, you see, I like you so much. And that's 
what I mean about drawing out our hidden selves, li 
someone loves us enough their thought v/ill draw out the 
best that is in us, and I guess it would work the other 
way, too. If they hated us enough they could draw out 
the worst. 

Dr. M. — (amused) Well, my word! The professor 
has a rival in scientific thinking. 

Betty — (looking out window) Here he comes. He's 
an old dear. It will be a terrible disappointment if his 
work isn't a success. 

Dr. M. — We've got to wake him up some v^ray. Make 
him see his foolishness. (Betty climbs out window,) Is 



This Way Out 11 



that safe, Miss Betty? 

Betty — (standing outside looking in) Oh, yes, just 
a step — then another a)id I'm down. 

Dr. M. — Betty, how about that something you came 
back for? Did you find it? 

Betty — Yes, sir. 

Dr. M. — Where is it? I don't see it anywhere about 
you. 

Betty — I — I dropped it out the window. 

Dr. M.— Hurt it any? 

Betty — (trying not to laugh) I don't think so. 

Dr. M. — Think it will be waiting for you at the cor- 
ner? 

Betty — ^Why, Dr. Merton, I can't guess what you 
mean. 

Dr, M. — Like fun you can't! See here, Miss Betty, 
your mother said my young hopeful was up here wait- 
ing to see the professor. Why did he find it necessary to 
climb out the window when he heard me coming? 

Betty — I think it was on my account. 

Dr. M. — No, you don't think any such thing. What's 
he up to, now ? 

Betty — Goodbye, Dr. Merton. (Disappears.) 

Dr. M. — Goodbye. (He goes to table; opens drawer, 
takes some money from his pocket, slips it into draioer, 
closes drawer. Enter Professor S., his hands full of 
packages.) 

Dr. M. — Hello, old man ! I'm waiting for you. 

Prof. — Good morning, Phillip. Good morning. Good 
morning. (Tries to change his packages about so he can 
shake hands.) I trust you are in your usual health and 
spirits. 

Dr. M. — About the same as usual, I think. 

JPiof. S. — Do you notice a pungent odor in the air 

thib morning? 



12 This Way Out 



Dr. ikf.^No, I think not. 

Prof, S. — I have noticed it for the last five minutes. 
Pungent, most pungent. (Sniffs.) 

Dr, M. — (suddenly) What have you in the pack- 
ages? 

Prof, — Crackers, bread, and — er — cheese. Limbur- 
ger. A choice bit. 

Dr. M, — If there is anything more pungent than 
that, I have yet to learn what it is. (Takes the packages 
from the 'professor and puts them on the table.) Man, 
you're smelling your own cheese. 

Prof. — Well, dear' me! Curious, most curious. 

Dr. Mo — (in despair) I'll tell the world! Now see 
here, Nick, this sort of thing has got to stop. You are 
going nutty over that darned foolishness. (Points to in- 
vention.) 

Prof,~Mj dear Phillip— 

Dr. M. — You are just a young man, and look at 
yourself. You act like a hundred and nine. You don't 
know whether you are coming or going. 

Prof. — (earnestly) Yes, Philip, yes, I do. When I 
went out I was coming, and v/hen I came in I was going. 

D M. — (holding his head) This way out! This way 
out! 

Prof. — This way out. I — I have heard that some- 
where before. I don't seem to recall — 

Dr. M. — It's a favorite of Jack's. I caught it from 
him. 

Prof. — ^Yes, yes. Jack, dear lad! 

Dr. M. — Nick, if you can turn your little buzzer on 
him and draw out some common sense, I'll admit your in- 
vention a success. 

Prof, — ^Laughable now, quite laughable. He says if 
I can turn it on you and draw out a little extra coin he'll 
call it a success. 



This Way Out is 



Dr. M.— Oh, he does? He only has to go a little fur- 
ther and I'll draw some prayers for mercy out of him. 

Prof. S.—Now, now, Philip, the lad is young and— 
and blithe and gay. 

Dr. M.—(ivith a shout) You've said something, pro- 
fessor. If you'd ever married and had a Jack of your 
own he'd give you something to really think about. 

Pro/.— And do you imagine, my dear Philip, that I 
don't think about this? (Turns to invention.) 

Dr. il/.—You don't think about anything else. That 
is just the trouble. 

Prof. — And it's nearly perfected. 
Dr. M. — Don't you fool yourself. 
Prof. — Will you let me try it on you? 
Dr. M. — Yes, when it's completed, I'll give you per- 
mission to try it on me to your heart's content. 

Prof. — Ah! Then you are beginning to think my 
way. 

Dr. M. — Not for a minute. 

Pro/.— But— 

Dr. M. — My dear fellow, come out of it. That thing 
can never be perfected. I don't say we haven't a hidden 
self but if we have it can't be drawn out by electricity. 
There may be a way to draw out the best or the worst in 
us, but you haven't found it there. Nick, what do you 
do when you are tired of working on the invention? 

Prof. — Why, I have my regular work, you know, for 
the magazine and the newspaper — 

Dr. M. — (interrupting) Regular? 

Pro/.— Well, I do forget some weeks, I'll admit— 

Dr. M. — It's wonderful that they let you keep on as 
you do. You have given up your position at the univer- 
sity, and you are endangering your only means of sup- 
port, by neglect. How do you live, anyway? 

Pro/.— I hardly know. I'll admit it's wonderful how 
my income holds out. 



U This Way Out 



Dr. M — (dryly) Isn't it? But you haven't an- 
swered mj question. What do you do when you are 
tired? 

Pro/.— Why — rest, to be sure. 

Dr. M.— How? 

Prof.— I wouldn't tell you for the world. 

Dr. M.—Why not? 

Prof. — It is so childish So very silly. 

Dr. If.-^What is it? Come on. Tell me. I really 
want to know. I have a reason. 

Prof. — I — well — if you are really so serious, Til 
have to admit that I become rather fanciful at times, 
and I write the most foolish things you ever read, (opens 
drcAver in table, up R.) Why, curious, very curious I 
thought I had a manuscript here. That is the drawer 
where I usually keep it. (Opens drawer in other table) 
I must have misplaced it. Well, it doesn't matter. I will 
show it to you some other time. Philip, I'm almost afraid 
to inquire after what you have just said. Did you try 
to get me a backer? 

Dr. M. — (pointing to invention) For that? No, I 
didn't and what's more I'm not going to. It wouldn't be 
right. I don't believe in it and I'm not going to try to 
make my friends put monev where T wouldn't put it my- 
self. 

Prof. — Ah, Philip, I hope to draw some heart out 
of you some day. (Sits down in an attitude of com- 
plete dejection.) 

Dr. M. — I know you are terribly disappointed but I 
can't help it. You are ruining yourself body and mind, 
and I won't help you on with it. I would give you the 
last cent I had if it vould help you, but not for that 
thing. I want to talk to you about something else, but I 
know you won't care to listen now. Goodbye. (Exit L.) 
(The professor doesn^t realize he has gone. There 
is a slight pause. A knock at the door'' knock repeated 
ttvice.) 



This Way Out 15 



Tom — (outside) Oh, professor! Professor Sper- 
ing! 

Prof — (suddenly starting up) Oh, — er — yes? Did 
some one call? 

Tom — (opens the door and looks in) May I come 
in? 

Prof. — Most assuredly. Come in. Why, it's Thomas, 
isn't it? 

Tom — Yes, sir. 

Prof. — I am glad to see you. (Shakes hands loith 
him.) Very glad. I trust you are well. 

roM— Tip-top. 

Prof. — Did you come down to see the invention? 

Tom — Well not this morning, but I want to bring 
Harry and Dick and some of the girls this afternoon. 

Prof. — Most assuredly. Delighted to hav.e you. It 
is nearly perfected. Perhaps by afternoon I'll be ready 
to try it on some one of you. 

Tom — All of us, professor, all of us. We're game. 
The girls are going to bring some tea and things along, 
and give you a regular party. 

Prof. — Now, isn't that delightful of them, most de- 
lightful? 

Tom — Have you a place we can hide Dick if we have 
to? 

Prof. — Hide Richard? I don't comprehend. 

Tom — We v/ili explain this afternoon. In the mean- 
time, if you don't know about it, you can't accidentally 
mention it. 

Prof. — Quite true. Quite true. 

Tom — Have you a place? 

Prof — (vaguely) A place? 

Tom — (patiently) Yes — to hide Dick if we have to. 

Prof. — To be sure — a closet — right there. (Indi- 
cates door R.) 



t6 This Way Out 



Tom — (goes to door R) And it locks. Good! See 
you later, professor. (Exit.) 

Prof. — (yawning) I wonder if I went to bed at all 
last night. (Looks at invention and shakes his head.) 
I wonder, I believe I'll seek some repose. (Exit alcove.) 

(Lights go sloivly doivn. Stage is dark. A slight 
pause. There is a knock at the door, then another.) 

Mrs. 0. — (outside) Professor! Are yez in? 

(The lights come slowly on. The professor is stand- 
ing by the invention!, his ivhole manner changed. He is 
wide aivake and alert.) 

Prof. — Yes, Mrs. O'Malley, come in. 

(Enter Mrs. 0.) 

Prof. — Mrs. O'Malley, my dear woman! Congratu- 
late me. My work is completed. Think of it ! At last. 

Mrs. 0. — Do yez say so? (Looks at it doubtfully.) 
And I suppose, now it's finished, it ain't so likely to ex- 
plode at all, at all? 

Prof. — Never was likely — never, my dear woman. 
Mrs. O'Malley, won't ycu be the first to try it? 

Mrs. 0. — Not on your life! 

Pro/.— But why? Think of it! Only think of it! 
It will bring you fame, my dear woman. Your picture 
will be in all the newspapers and great big head-lines 
about you, 

Mrs. 0. — Do yez say so? (Goes toward invention. 
Regards it fearfully.) What will it be loike? Will it 
hurt? 

Prof. — Not in the least. Not in the least. You will 
never even feel it. 

Mrs. 0. — Shure and I've a moind to oblige yez. 

Prof. — Do, Mrs. O'Malley. You will find it a most 
interesting experiment. 

Mrs. 0. — Shure, professor, it's a biarneyin' way yez 
got wid yez. I niver saw yez loike this before. What 
will I do? 



Th'is Way Out 17 



Pro/.^Stand right there in the window. Directly in 
the light. 

Mrs. 0.— Shure, and I feel as if I was goin' to have 
me phortygraf took. 

Prof. — (touches ihe buzzer) Now, Mrs. O'Malley, 
just a minute. There. That's all. 

Mrs. 0.— (disappointed) All? And do yez call that 
intherestin'? 

Pro/.— Ah, the interesting: time vnll begin with the 
change in you. 

Mrs. 0. — Change in me? 

Prof. — Yes. When your hidden self begins to mani- 
fest. 

Mrs. 0. — Go on, professor! Don't be afther makin* 
me laugh. (Bell rings.) There's me bell (Goes to the 
door L. Stops by door.) Sure, I forgot all about what I 
came for. Have yez seen Betty? 

Prof. — No, I think not. No, I haven't seen her today. 

Mrs. 0. — I don't know where she's gone, at all, at 
all. (Exit.) 

(Pause. Enter Dr. M.) 

Prof. —(delighted) My dear Philip! At last! At 
last my work is completed. 

Dr. M. — Impossible! 

Prof. — No, not impossible, but possible. Now you 
will have to believe. Come ! You promised that I might 
experiment on you to my heart's content. 

Dr. M. — (hesitating) Ye-es, I did. Well, how long 
will it take? I have patients to look after, you know, 
and I'm hunting for Jack. That's what I came back for. 
Have you seen him today? 

Prof. — No, he hasn't been here that I know of. 
;• Dr, M. — I can't imagine where he is. I've been ev- 
erywhere for him. 

Prof. — Stand there by the window in the light. I 
will try a short ray this time. (Dr. M. stands in the unn- 



IS This Way Out 



dow. Prof, touches buzzer,) That will do. 

Dr. M. — (amused) It will? You haven't taken a 
very big chance with me. You must be afraid of what is 
about to be revealed. How much do you think you've 
drawn out? 

Prof. — We shall see later. 

Dr. M. — ^You are actually serious, Nick. 

Prof. — So will you be when the change begins. 

Dr. M. — (laughs) I'll come back when I feel it com- 
ing on, so that you may watch developments. 

Prof. — Ah, my friend, this is no joke. This is the 
greatest scientific discovery of the ages. At last we are 
to see people as they really are. 

Dr. M. — It ought to be the biggest show on earth, 
all right. I'll admit one thing now. You have changed 
without the aid of the buzzer. You actually seem hu- 
man again. 

Prof. — Yes, the anxiety has passed. I feel as if I 
had dropped a heavy load. 

Dr. M. — That's good new."^, anywr^y. See 3'ou later. 
Goodbye. (Exit L.) 

(Slight pause. Enter Mrs. 0. ivith a hook.) 

Mrs. 0. — Oh, professor, did yez iver read this book? 
(Shows book to him.) 

Prof. —(takes book) 'The Love Light in Her Eyes.'* 
(Hands it back.) I '^an't say that I ever did. 

Mrs. O. — I WHS radin' it last noight. Shure, it's 
foine. It makes yez fale that queer in here. (Ptits her 
hand on her heart.) Profissor, what do yez think about 
sicond marriage? 

Prof. — My dear woman, I've never though-^ about a 
first. 

Mrs. O. — Shure an' it's toime yez did. I am just 
afther thinkin' I'll be tryin' it a sicond toime. Moike's 
been gone noine years come Janooray, God rist his soul. 
And I seems to have another flutterin' in my heart. 



This Way Out 19 



Prof. — How long have you been feeling this way, 
Mrs. O'Malley? 

Mrs. 0.— Shure, I think it's jist the last foive min- 
utes or so. 

Pro/.— Good Lord! 

Mrs. 0, — Shure, profissor, don't yez think ye'd be 
happier wid a wolfe and a home o' yer own? 

Prof. — (astounded) My dear madame, my very dear 
madame — 

Mrs. 0. — Ah, gwan, profissor! Since whin have I 
been yez dear? 

Prof. — (%vUh a gasp) Mrs. O'Malley! 
(Bell rings.) 

Mrs. 0. — Plague take the bell! (Starts for door. 
Looks back.) I'll be back. (Exit.) 

Prof. — Heaven forbid ! 

(Mrs. 0. reenters.) 

Mrs. 0. — Here's company to see yez, profissor. 
(Adds in half-vMsper) V\\ be back when we can be 
alone. (Exit.) 

(Enter Tom, followed by Lucy, Kitty, Alice, Dick 
and Harry.) 

Tom — Here we are. 

All — (speaking together) Hello, professor! How 
do you do, professor? It's good to see you again, (etc.) 

Pro/.— Well, well! This is delightful, now. De- 
lightful! I'm. glad to see you again. 

, Alice — ■■ (reproachfvJly ) You never should have left 
us. 

Lucy — I don't see how you ever had the heart. 

Kitty — And just for a machine. 

Prof, — Ah, but my dear young lady, think of the im- 
portance of my work and I rejoice to say that at last it 
is completed. 

Qirls — Oh, is it? Really? How nice I 



20 This Way Out 



Dick — Good work, Professor Spering. 

Harry — Great ! 

Tom— Tried it yet? 

Prof, — ^Yes, indeed. Twice. 

Harry — Success ? 

Prof. — (with a glance touard door.) Er — it is sorr.e- 
what soon to say. 

Alice — Are you going to try it on us? 

Prof. — Most assuredly. 

Lucy — Won't it be fun? 

Dick — Hm! That's according to what the professor 
draws out. 

Harry — Well, one thing, professor. Don't draw any 
charm out of Kitty. I can't stand for any moi^e. 

Kitty — Harry ! 

Alice — Let's have tea first. 

Lucy — Yes, something to stimulate us for the or- 
deal. 

Tom — Yes, draw out the tea first. 

Dick — (as the others groan) I hope you'll draw 
some humor out of Tom. His comes so hard it would l^e 
a relief to get something spontaneous once in a while. 

Kitty — Do you mind how we upset 3rour room, pro- 
fessor? 

Prof. — Not in the least. Most delightful. There are 
dishes and a teakettle in the closet. 

Lucy — Clear off the table, Dick, 

(Boys clear the table and open the packages ivhich 
the girls brought in, ivhile the girl? bring teakettle and 
cups from the closet.) 

Tom — That is to be your lair if necessary, Dick. 
Dick — (goes to closet) Is it? I guess I'll explore. 
Alice — We need water. 
Prof. — Mrs. O'Malley will supply us. 



This Way Out 21 



Tom — 1*11 ask her. (Exit with tea kettle.) 

Dick — (comes from closet with banjo in his hand) 
liook what*s here. I always wanted to play one of these 
things. 

Prof. — Did you indeed? I used to play in the man- 
dolin club in my days of youth and folly. 

Dick — (strumming the banjo) Professor, if you can 
draw some rnusic out of me you will be going some. 

Prof. — I fear you don't take my invention seriously. 
I intend it to do good in the world. To be of benefit 
rather than amusement. 

Harry — We understand that and we will take it 
seriously, but we are bound to get some fun out of 
everything, you know. 

Prof. — Yes — Ye? — I worked among you long enough 
to realize that. 

Dick — (placing banjo in closet) I hope I don't have 
to run for cover. Me thinks it would be somewhat 
warmish in there. 

Prof. — What is all this about hiding, Richard? 

Alice — Why, tonight is Sophomore night, and — do 
you remember about Sophomore night? 

Prof. — Well, now, let me see. Let me think. 

Lucy — Elections, you know, and the Juniors try to 
steal our president so he can't go to the banquet — 

Prof. — Oh, yes, indeed — yes, indeed. I recall it 
quite clearly. 

Tovi — Dick is to be our president, and we want to 
keep him here until it's time for the banquet. I think 
we are safe, but if anyone should show up we want a 
place to put him for safe-keeping. 

Prof. — I see — I see. 

Kitty — I don't believe there's any danger. We got 
safely away and took such a round-about way. 

'(Enter Tom with kettle.) 



This Way Out 



Prof.—Oi course, Jack is likely to come in at any 
time. 

Tom — Jack's engaged this afternoon. I looked out 
for that. Here's the water. 

(The young people gather around the table while 
Alice makes the tea. Mrs, 0. steps into room, motions 
to the professor. He finally notices her and steips to one 
side,) 

Mrs. O. — Is there anything you nade besides the 
water? 

Prof. — (nervously) No, I think not. 

Mrs, 0. — Shure, there ain't a thing on earth but 
what I would do for >ouse, profissor. (Gives a long 
sigh.) Shure, I nivir noticed what a handsome man yez 
air, profissor. (Exit) 

Kitty — Goodness, Harry, don't put everything on 
this one table. Put some of the things somewhere else. 

Harry — (looking cbout the room) Where, for in- 
stance? (begins to make vague gestures with his hands.) 

Lucy — What are you doing? 

Harry — Trying to remove the dishes. Will some 
kind gentleman in the audience kindly lend me a silk hat, 
a rabbit, and a hundred-dollar bill. I always was of the 
idea that I ought to be a prestidigitator, but I never as 
yet have got away with it. 

To7n — (vjalking over to the invention) Say, while 
the tea dravv^s let the professor do some drawing. I must 
admit to being curious as to how this works. 

Dick — Go to it, professor. Here's a willing victim. 

Prof, — Very well. Stand right there, Richard. (In- 
dicates place by vJindoiv.) There's really nothing to see 
at first. (Touches the buzzer.) We have to await re- 
sults. That is all. 

Dick — Next! Come on, someone. If I'm going to 
turn into a lobster, I want company. 

Harry — ^You have the wrong idea, Dick. We fondly 



This Way Out 23 



hope you will turn out of one. (Takes Dick's place.) All 
right, professor. (Professor touches the buzzer.) 
Alice — How does it feel? 

Harry— 3u^i a queer sensation here. (Places his 
hand over his heart,) 

Tom— Professor, I'm afraid you aren't so scientific 
after all. One look at Kitty has the same effect on him. 

Kitty— For goodness' sake, boys, talk a little sense 
once in a while. 

Prof. — What about one of the young ladies? 

Alice— Oh, let's wait and see how it affects the boys. 

Lucy— Oh, I'm not afraid. (Takes Harry's place, 
and the professor touches the buzzer.) Oh, professor— 
(Suddenly begins to laugh.) I never felt so silly in my 
life. (Goes forward to table, still laughing.) Oh, Alice, 
I never noticed what a funny little nose you've got. 
(Laughs hysterically and others begin to grow alarmed.) 

Dick — Let's have refreshments. 

Lucy — And Tom kind of squints. 

Kitty—HnvQ some tea, Lucy. (Alice pours a cup, 
and Kitty hands it to Lucy, who becomes more quiet.) 

Prof. — (as they all draiu near the tea table) Cur- 
ious'! Such rapid results. 

Tom — (ivalks up toward ivindow and regards the 
invention doubtfully.) I'll say rapid. (Suddenly as he 
looks out ivindow) Here comes Jack I And I thought 
he was out of the way for the afternoon. Good Lord! 
He's climbing up. Dick — quick! 

(Dick rushes to closet, goes in and Tom- locks door 
and takes key 'out. All appear unconscious of anything 
wrong as Jack enters by ivindow.) 

Harry — Some tea, please. 

Jack — (stepping over sill.) Uncle Nick! (stops 
and regards them in surprise) For Heaven's sake, what 
are you* all doing here? (Lucy begins to giggle.} 



2U This Way Out 



Alice — Giving the professor a tea. 

Tom — We came down to see the invention. 

Kitty — Will you have some tea, Jack? 

Jack — (somewhat stiffly) Well, I'm not in the habit 
of attending parties I'm not invited to — 

Tom, — (interrupting) Oh, forget it, Jack. 

Harry — What's the matter with you? 

Prof. — My dear lad! 

Jack — Oh, don't pay any attention to me. I didn't 
mean to be disagreeable. I'm about crazy. I have come 
down here to hide from father. He's chasing me every- 
where, and I'm scared to death. 

(All regard Jack in astonishment.) 

Prof, — Afraid of your father? 

Tom — What are you talking about? 

Harry — Your father is the best ever. 

Girls — Yes. 

Alice — A perfect dear. 

Jack — He always has been, I'll admit, but I wish 
you could see him now. I can't imagine what's come 
over him. He's as furious as a bull. You never heard 
anything like it. I don't think he's responsible for what 
he's saying. 

Prof. — (appalled) Good heaven! 

(Lucy giggles,) 

Jack — (to Lucy) What on earth is the joke? 

Lucy — Your hair is standing on end and you look so 
funny. 

Jack — (exasperated and imitating her) 0-h, do-o-o 
I? 

Alice — (hands Jack a cup of teaj Here, Jack, this 
will compose your nerves. 

Jack — (taking the cup) I wish I thought so. 

(Dick is suddenly heard playing the banjo in closet)] 



This Way Out 25 



9 

Jack — (in astonishment) What in the name of com- 
mon sense? Where is it? 

Tom— W-w- what? 

Jack — (putting his cup on table) A banjo. 

Lucy — (giggling) I shall die I know. 

Alice — (to Prof.) Who in the house plays the ban- 
jo? 

Prof. — Dear me! I couldn't possibly say. Doubtless 
Mrs. O'Malley. (Music stops.) 

Jack — Mrs. O'Malley nothing. 

Kitty — I don't hear any banjo. 

Jack — (hesitating) Not just this minute, but — 
(music starts again.) There! There it is! Professor, 
it's in the closet. (Hurries to closet; tries door.) It's 
locked! Where's the key? 

Prof. — Dear me! I couldn't possiblj?- say. 

(Betty enters through vnndotc.) 

Betty — Jack! Quick! Your father! Mother has 
just let him in. 

Jack — This way out! (Hurries to window and 
leaps out.) 

Betty — (suddenly, as she hears the music) Good 
gracious! What's that? 

Lucy — Dick playing the banjo. The professor has 
drawn him out. (Harry, unnoticed by the others, stands 
by closet door and ivaves his hands.) 

Alice — (to Lucy; exasperated) Well, that doesn't 
compare with what he has drawn out of you. 

Lucy — I shall die, I know. 

(Music stops.) 

Kitty — For goodness' sake let Dick out of the closet. 

Tom — (hurries >o closet) Yes, yes, of course. 

Harry — Don't open that door. I warn you. Don't 
open that door. Ye gods ! I believe I have done it. 
. . All — (astounded) Done what? 



26 This Way Out 



Harry — S-s-s-h-h ! 

(Enter Mrs, O., folloived by Dr, M., ^vho is in a vio- 
lent rage.) 

Mrs. 0. — Bat I tell yez Betty ain't up here. 

Dr, M. — ■{pushing past her) I'll see for myself. Out 
of my way, woman. 

Prof. — My clear Philip. 

Dr. M. — (pointing to Betty) There she is. I knew 
she was here. 

Mrs. 0. — Well, thin, it's more than I knew. Betty, 
darlint, where have yez been? 

Dr. M. — (looking around) And Jack, he's here. 

Prof. — I assure you he's not here. 

Dr. M. — I know better. He's wherever that girl is. 
He's with her all the time and I won't have it. 

Mrs, G. — And why not? 

Dr. M. — My son? Your daughter? 

Mrs. 0. — Shure, love will go where it's sint. Ain't 
that so, profissor? 

Prof. — (desperately) My dear woman, I don't know 
anything about it. 

Dr. M. — (to the professor) Come! Where is he? 
You are hiding him. 

Prof. — Absurd, my dear Phillip. 

Dr. M. — You can't fool me. (To Betty.) Where is 
he? 

Mrs. O. — Shure, darlint, yez don't have to give your 
swateheart away at ail, at all. Thank the Lord yez got a 
mother who is afther knowin' what it is to have a quare 
falin' around her heart. 

(Banjo is heard in closet.) 

Dr. M.— What's that? 

Mrs. 0. — (astonished) The saints be koind. 

Pro/.— What is it, Philip? 

Dr, M, — ^A banjo. 



This Way Out 27 



Prof. — A banjo? Where? 

Dr. M.— That's just what I want to know. (Looks 
about.) 

Prof.—DesLY me! Do you fancy you hear a banjo? 

Dr. M. — Fancy? I know that I hear one. 

Prof. — Isn't that curious, now? Does anyone else 
think they hear a banjo? (Music stops.) 

All — No, of course not. 

Lucy — Oh, I shall die, I know I shall. 

(Music starts.) 

Dr. M.— There it is. 

Prof. — My dear Philip, I can tell you what the trou- 
ble is. You probably had in you an ear for music, and I 
have drawn it out. 

Dr. M. — Do you imagine you can stuff that down my 
throat? (Strides toward the closet.) The music is right 
here. (Tries door.) The door is locked. Now, I know 
Jack is in there. Til break every bone in his body. Open 
this door or I'll break it in. 

Girls — (frightened) Doctor! 

Dr. M. — (Turns on them) That will do. (to Lucy) 
What are you laughing at? 

Lucy — ^Y-y-you ! 

Dr. M. — (beside himself) Stop it! 

Lttcy — I c-c-cant. The professor has drawn me out. 

Dr. M. — Open this door! 

Tom — (stepping forward) Sure, I'll open it. You 
are mistaken, Dr. Merton. Jack isn't in there. It's 
Dick. (Starts to unlock the door.) 

Harry — No! Don't! I warn you. Don't open that 
door. Dick isn't there! 

Tom — (astounded) What do you mean? 

Harry — I — I — did it — I did the presto act. The 
professor has drawn me out, too. I changed them but I 
can't change them back again. 



^8 This Way Out 



Tom — And you mean — 

2)1'^ M. — (at the top of his voice) Open that door. 

Tom — I'll see you hanged first. 

Jack — (from closet) Open the door, Tom. 

Dr. M.— (satisfied) Ah! 

(Tom ope7is the door; Jack steps into room carrying 
the banjo.) 

Dr. M.— At last! 

Jack — (hoiving a7id speaking airily) Yes, father, at 
last; but just too late. 

Dr. M.— Too late? 

Jack — Betty is my wife. (Goes to her and puts his 
arm around her.) We were married this afternoon. 

All— What \ 

Mrs. 0. — (delighted) Can yez bate thot, now? 
(Kisses Betty and embraces Jack.) 

Dr. M. — (turning on the professor j This yoilr do- 
ings. You drew them out or they never would have dared 
to do this. 

Prof. — No — no — I haven't touched them. 

Dr. M. — You can't fool me. Well, I'll give you a dose 
of your own medicine. (Grabs the professor and pulls 
him toward the invention.) I'll draw you out and then 
we'll see. 

Prof. — (2vildly struggling to get aivay) No, no! I 
don't want to be drawn out. I've had enough. Let me go! 
Help! This way out! 

(The girls scream and the boys try to rescue the 
professor. The lights go out, then come slowly on The 
professor is alone, running about the stage calling "help'* 
and "this loay out." 

Betty — (outside, knocks on door) Professor, what 
has happened? Shall I come in? 

Jack — (outside) Yes, go in. 

(Enter Jack and Betty. They hurry to th& profes^ 
sor,) 



This Way Out 29 



Jack — What is it? What has happened*? 

(Mrs. O. hurries in out of breath.) 
Mrs. 0. — What is it, profissor? Can I help yez? 
Prof. — (alarmed) No — no! Keep away. Don't 
come near me. Don't think of it. 1 beer of you don't 
speak of it again. 

Mrs. 0. — Is it crazy he- is? I knew it would come. 
The poor ould man. Hold him while I get hilp. (Starts 
for the door. Enter Dr. M.> Shure, doctor, an' I'm thot 
glad to see yez. The profissor has gone off his hid, poor 
man. 

Dr. M. — Nonsense! 

Betty — I think he's been dreaming. 

Prof. — (grasping for the truth) Dreaming? Is it 
possible? Is it possible that it isn't true? 

Jack— B.OW about it. Uncle Nick? Had a nightmare 
in the afternoon? 

Prof. — The invention isn't finished? 

Dr. M. — Of course not. 

Prof — (hopefully) And none of you have been 
drawn out? 

All— ^Jo. 

Prof.— (delighted/ Thank the Lord! Thank the 
Lord ! My good friends, my very good friends, all of you 
stay just as you are. If you've a hidden self I don't 
want to see it. 

Dr, M. Nick, old boy. congratulations! You've 

come to your senses. 

Mrs. 0. — Saints be praised! 

Jack — Three cheers. I 

Betty — Oh, professor! 

Prof, — (covering the invention) I'll cover this over 
so that I can't even see it until I can get rid of it alto- 
gether. Think of it! Think of the result if I had com- 
pleted it and drawn out the worst in all my friends. Phil- 



30 This Way Out 



ip, I'm going to work on something worth while. I don't 
know what, but (vaguely) there's the magazine and the 
newspaper — 

Dr. M. — (taking manuscript from his pocket) And 
your romance. 

Prof. — (in surprise) You have my manuscript? 

Dr. M. — Yes, I took it to read. When I questioned 
you this morning it was to ascertain if you wrote it. My 
friend, you have a desire to draw out the best in people 
and here is the way you can do it. A man who loves hu- 
manity enough to draw the characters in this romance 
v/ill draw out the best in those who read. The pen di- 
rected by — (seniles rri Betty) — the right thought, is 
mightier than a machine. (Suddenly turns to Jack.) 
Young man, you have an appointment here this after-^ 
noon. 

Jack — I, father? An appointment? 

Dr. M. — Yes, to meet the president of the Empire 
Art Film Company. 

Jack — How in heaven's name do you know that? 

Dr. M. — I am the president. 

Jack — Ye gods! 

Betty— Whaf! 

Mrs. 0. — Will yez listen to thot, now? 

Prof. — Surprising — most surprising ! 

Dr. M. — It isn't generally known. I want a rest 
once in a while from pills and powders. Jack, I'm proud 
of you. I didn't think you had it in you. And, Betty, of 
course, is the little girl you told the manager about. 

Jack — Well — rather. 

Mrs. 0. — And what did he say about Bettjr, I'll l^e 
afther askin'? 

Dr. M. — Only what was good, I assure you. If Jack 
has his way, some day Betty is going to bp my little girl 
as well as yours. 

Mrs. 0.— Well, I'll have yez— 



This Way Out ^ 



Or, M. — (interrupting) Don't get excited, Mrs. 
O'Malley. That's a long look ahead. And now the car 
is below and I want you all to come down to the com- 
pany's studio, where I've arranged for a little supper, 
and then I have a business proposition to make. I need 
you all in my new line. Professor, we want to put pic- 
tures on the screen that will draw out the best in every 
man, woman and child who comes to our theaters. (Goes 
to door, open it and bows to them.) This way out, la- 
dies and gentlemen — this way out. 



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sequent rel<?ase, because of her kindness. Can be used 
for May Day play. tX speaking parts, Indians, etc. 
Plays about 45 m/rtutes. Price, 25c. 



Eldridge Entertainment House 

FRANKLIN, OHIO -y.so DENVER, COLO. 

944 S, Logan St. 



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